Life Worth Living

Redacted - an Exhale Blog Hop

When I started working back in March of 2024, I had five whole years of Stay at Home Mom’dom on my resume. All the things fell into place, and the support from family made the opportunity feel like it was the “Yes” our life needed to pick up the pace. Well, what I thought I needed to break the doldrum of days turning nights, breakfasts and snacks to dinners didn’t so much turn out the way we though. What I wasn’t prepared for when the work life balance wasn’t balancing, was how fast life would feel in the evenings with the dinner rush and bedtime tears. How big the emotional rollercoaster of morning drop off at daycare was going to be. And how much my mama heart was going to feel punctured while I was away from both my babies for the first time.

I became a raisin of my once full and voluptuous self. Rushing through things both at work and home, to get to the next thing. Creativity was pushed to the wayside, energy left me as soon as my car was in the driveway at night. Dinners became simple, and unfun. I was redacted mentally from my own life at home. My mama heart felt hard, and colder than when I had been experiencing post partum anxiety. The balancing act of work and home never seemed to weigh evenly. Even a month out from working, I keep wondering, “If I had just worked harder. If I had just given more of myself during the day. If I had been able to sleep at night, instead of comforting crying children.” And I push these intrusive thoughts to the side. How could I ever think my job more important than being with my own sick children, or comforting them in the dark part of the night.

After five months of working in a fast paced corporate environment, and then training my replacement, I left the corporate world of slacks and blouses and heels and being “made up” to go to work every day. And now I’m back in my comfy pants and sneakers and sports bras.

Life has indeed slowed down to a pace that feels healthy for us again. I can work out again. I can write and paint, and be in the moment again. In order to be the best mom I can be, I needed to quiet the noise. Not uproot our day to day lives. Though I’m proud I took the opportunity to be in a position that was, at the end of the day what I thought was my “peace de resistance” for my career before having children, I’m even more proud that I was able to work with my employer and decide to make a different path for myself. Everyday, I feel lucky and grateful I had the support and ability to make staying at home a possibility for us again. My new “piece de resistance” is being home. Slowing down, and letting my children see me slow down. The dishes, mopping, and tidying will wait while we love on each other, and be excited by eachother’s interests instead.

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Redacted - part of an Exhale Blog Hop - is redacting words from a poem of someone else’s work. I felt redacted of my own life, of the things that gave me life. And so I took a poem of Kate Baer’s - and redacted what I needed to, in order to keep things simple. To live a life worth living,

After a Psychic Tells Me I’m Going to Die - Kate Baer in What Kind of Woman

I’ll plant a garden full of colored pebbles.

In the evening when the dew breaks, I’ll

Kneel down in the slick grass and pray for

Every man who gave himself to greed. I’ll do

The dishes, scrub git from dirty pans, tell

My mother, you did the best you could. I’ll

Go back to college, pay off my sister’s debts.

Swallow every hair instead of leaving them

on the ground. When I dream of snakes who

call me baby, I’ll wake my husband just to tell

him how much he shines. I’ll be polite. Torch

every shit and pisses. Give away my books and

little screens. I’ll be good. I’ll be the wife and

keeper. I’ll do anything just to live.

Just to summarize -

I’ll garden

I’ll pray

I’ll dream

I’ll be good.

I’ll live.

This working mom season of five months was my opportunity to take stock and realize that the hobbies that make us happy, the faith that drives our every day, the dreams we dare to wish, the goodness in our hearts, and the lives we lead with all of this combined is what matters in this crazy world. The money was nice, but being home in this season matters more to our family.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Redacted."